Tag: new year

‘I Will Do Better’

New year is difficult. You feel the pressure and exhilaration of trying to make this ‘your year’. If you have OCD this can become a compulsion. All year long I promise myself that I would do better on a huge array of things. Some people call it determination, I wouldn’t say that. It is constant feelings of disappointment and perfectionism and it is intensified by the season.

For example last summer I received my AS level results. I opened the envelope and was relieved that I had done well in two exams but received a ‘U’ in my other subject’s main paper. A ‘U’ is actually worse than a fail, and as I had recieved pretty respectable grades in mock exams despite being poorly I had no idea how I’d managed to get such a low grade. Had I gone into an episode during the exam? Somebody would have definitely noticed. Anyway, I went home in tears and used a drawing pin to attach the piece of paper to the side of my wardrobe. The purpose of this was to ‘make me work harder’. I knew deep down that I had worked hard anyway and that the grade was unusual for me, but I accepted and internalised that it was because I was rubbish.

A week or so later my tutor ordered my exam back to see how I’d got it so terribly wrong. She opened the paper and found that three quarters of it were missing. The exam board had lost all but one of my questions before marking and I was given a U. It wasn’t my grade after all and so it got corrected, however the piece of paper is still nailed onto my wardrobe. I must be a glutton for self torture.

The same thing haunts me with coursework. It takes ages as I read it again and again irrationally fearing it contains a murder confession or expletives, I can never hand it in because there is always something in my mind that I need to add or do to make it ‘better’. I set a lot of resolutions this new year, most of which talked about improving on 2016. What I didn’t think about when writing them into the front of my journal was that last year wasn’t a bad year. I wasn’t locked in a ward and there was no major traumas. It was pretty alright by previous years’ standards. By desperately trying to improve too much, mostly on things I can’t change, I will likely send myself back into oblivion and that would not make 2017 good at all.

This is a rambly post because my head made the first post of the year into a big deal, when actually it shouldn’t be. What I’m trying to say is:

Just try not to have a worse year than the one before and do what you love. That’s enough. 

A Letter to The Years

Dear 2013,

Look where we are! It’s cold outside and we are looking at the start of a brand new year. To say you have been a year of two halves is a massive understatement. There have been massive highs and lows- that’s for sure. But maybe a person needs that kind of year every now and again so that we can truly understand the difference between the good and bad, and make the most of both. 2013 you weren’t that nice to me in the beginning, but you certainly built momentum. You took me through my GCSEs which right now seem so long ago. I sat large numbers of exams, some were successful and some were not so, but somehow I got through and passed all of my subjects. You are the year that I properly set about ridding myself of the eating disorder which has controlled me on and off over the last couple of years. A lot of people are unaware that food was, and is, an issue for me but many have provided me with valuable support which I can’t say thanks for enough. I would like to say I am anxiety free, but I’m still work in progress. You’ve been the year that I cemented my relationship with my beautiful guide dog and celebrated our one year anniversary. Now it feels like she is a limb of mine and without her I’d be completely lost. I also left school, which closed a very stressful chapter of my life. But my word that book was closed well- with a lovely prom and a fantastic summer camping trip with friends. As I’ve said before, school wasn’t easy, and many people helped me get through it when I really didn’t think I would. Thank you to those who have given hugs, been on the ends of phones for lengthy chats and listened to my keyboard screams through messenger. In the summer I went to the Czech Republic where I met lots of fantastic new people from all over the world. You also changed completely for the better from september onwards when I moved to my new college, which has definitely changed my life for the better. I have made amazing friends there who I refer to as my ‘non-biological family’ and I’ve also managed to keep good contact with friends at home. I am so lucky to have such amazing influences around me- friends and family, of both the human and furry variety.

Dear 2014,

You are so very close now. I wish my friends and family a very happy and successful year where their hopes and wishes can be achieved. For myself I aim to continue with the highs of 2013, and keep aiming to improve myself and my outlook on life. I also want to write more often, be more adventurous, hopefully raise some money for charity and keep speaking out about mental health. I also hope to be writing a similar post in a years time, accounting all the things I did in 2014 and wanting to see what’s next.

P.S. I know what I said to 2013 about maybe a person needs a year of highs and lows to acknowledge everything- but I wouldn’t mind if you cut out a few lows this year. 🙂

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To the lovely readers who stumbled across my blog, or were funnelled here by social media. Thank you for all your lovely support during the last year and for your ongoing readership of this blog. I hope next year I can carry on writing factual posts and keep trying to reach my aim of making this blog a bit more personal too. I think this post is a good start. Who knows maybe I will throw in some fiction next year? I want to get much more creative with what I do- both on here and on youtube and twitter. I hope you have a very happy new year, and I will see you in January!

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Music:

Mary Lambert – Auld Lang Syne

Sara Bareilles – Brave