Tag: lost

From the Rubble I Can See the Stars

Today I’m in hibernation. My body says sleep and my legs say still and my head says no.

Over the last few months it has felt like I have been mentally burgled.  Everything that I thought was nailed down in my life has been dragged away and burnt to embers, leaving me sitting with the scuff marks on the ground.

The pursuit for housing seems to be going on forever and in the meantime I’m stuck in hospital. To understand all of the systems I am stumbling through I would need a degree. Everything seems to be set up for people with one disability or illness- any more and it turns into a clash of services and procedures.

Yesterday I had an unexpected blow. It broke me completely at first but if anything now I feel relieved. I say to myself “there is nothing to lose and everything to gain”. Again and again. Something will change. The only way from here is up. It’s stoked the fire for me to keep going. Well that’s the case at the moment anyway.

It’s Not the Destination, It’s the Journey- An Imaginary Parents Evening.

Today I managed to go on some unescorted leave. It was sunny and subsaharan on the unit because the heating seems to be permanently on full. To say I was desperate to get out is an understatement and in my rush of excitement to go outside I forgot that I don’t know the local area at all. So armed with a very tiny map that I didn’t want to admit I couldn’t read; off I went. A member of staff had marked onto the map in red felt tip a short and simple route to the church and back.

It turns out that there are two churches in the vicinity of the hospital-and of course I initially went to the wrong one which was in completely the wrong direction. I asked for directions from an elderly lady who, after telling me how brave I am for:
a) being blind
b) existing
told me to follow the road until I came across a ‘horsey smell’. Sadly she declined my request for conventional directions. So myself and Noodle stumbled around trying to follow our noses to a smell that never came.

It took about an hour for me to find myself stuck in the graveyard of the church I had initially been looking for. Unable to find my way out of said graveyard and no one live to ask for directions I stumbled into what I thought was a big green field. There appeared to be dogs running around so I let Noodle go for a frolic while I tried to work out where we were and how we could get back.

Splash. A shallow river made itself known and Noodle in all her wisdom decided to swim alongside me as I paced the bank. Still lost I asked a woman for directions to ‘the school’ -which would then point me in the right direction for the unit. She decided to walk me there instead.

“Is there anything on at the school?” She asked as we walked.
“Yeah…” I say accidentally, having just realised that we are at the wrong school and that I’m completely lost. Why did this village insist on having two of everything?
“What’s on?” She asked.
“Parents evening.” I responded. I really don’t know why but that was the first thought in my head. I knew instantly how stupid this sounded but felt too paralysed with awkwardness to do anything. I felt like I had dived into a shark tank of social tension.
“On a bank holiday?” She asked with a slight tone of disbelief, clearly thinking that I am deranged or mourning some imaginary child who attended this school.
I mumbled something along the lines of “yes isn’t it ridiculous” as I kicked myself silently for putting myself in this mess. She eventually left me at the derelict school.

I must have walked miles around the village today because I have never been so completely lost in my life. But I couldn’t have been happier.

My life is bonkers sometimes but I do completely love it. There are many things worse than being lost on a sunny day with my furry colleague. Even if she does decide to go for a dive. I really do need to work on the awkwardness thing though…

I suppose I could use a cheesy recovery quote at this point: “It’s not the destination it’s the journey” etcetera etcetera. But don’t worry. I won’t.

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