Tag: hope

From the Rubble I Can See the Stars

Today I’m in hibernation. My body says sleep and my legs say still and my head says no.

Over the last few months it has felt like I have been mentally burgled.  Everything that I thought was nailed down in my life has been dragged away and burnt to embers, leaving me sitting with the scuff marks on the ground.

The pursuit for housing seems to be going on forever and in the meantime I’m stuck in hospital. To understand all of the systems I am stumbling through I would need a degree. Everything seems to be set up for people with one disability or illness- any more and it turns into a clash of services and procedures.

Yesterday I had an unexpected blow. It broke me completely at first but if anything now I feel relieved. I say to myself “there is nothing to lose and everything to gain”. Again and again. Something will change. The only way from here is up. It’s stoked the fire for me to keep going. Well that’s the case at the moment anyway.

Bollocks to BPD

Diagnosis ain’t easy.

I first heard of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) at Heron. The psychiatrist there seemed to be trying to fill a ward quota of 25% of female patients being diagnosed with BPD. I wasn’t in that percent.

The next time I heard it I was sitting in my CPA meeting for professionals. My new psychiatrist reeled off my conditions and then the letters- B.P.D. After the meeting was over and myself and my key nurse were on our victory lap around the village I asked if she’d heard it too. She wasn’t sure.

I asked for confirmation when I saw the doctor next. He quickly drew a grid with numbers and the disorders I have come to know. Then there it was- BPD. He said something about how this is what he suspects my problem lies within- my Jabberwocky to fight.

“Personality disorders have a stigma to them.” He added. “But don’t worry, it’s not the one serial killers have.”

Looking it up on the Internet isn’t pleasant. People with BPD were clingy and unstable. All the stories I could find were negative. ‘WHERE ARE THE REAL PEOPLE?!’ I found myself mentally screaming. And I’m ashamed to say I didn’t want to make myself one of the few who spoke up. The stigma seemed huge. But if no one speaks up, who else will be scared into silence by this monster? I tentatively took my first move with my poem borderline and now this.

To make matters worse in my quest for information, symptoms listed on every website I searched seemed increasingly vague or scary. Out of desperation I hit the books and surfaced with “Sometimes I Act Crazy“. Which gave me the broadest picture of the disorder and those living with it. I would highly recommend it for anyone else scared away by the Internet.

I think the description of BPD on rethink is the best:

  • “Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can mean that you are prone to strong emotions, mood swings and feelings you can’t cope with easily and may feel distressed a lot of the time.
  • Around 1 in 100 people have BPD.
  • There may be different reasons why someone develops BPD.
  • There are a number of different approaches to treating BPD, most of which include different types of one-to-one and group talking therapies.
  • Complications can arise if you have BPD, including problems with substance misuse and self-harm.”

It’s still vague; but every warrior is different. The thing with mental illness diagnosis is that it says more about your past than your future. My brain developed a little different. I see and hear things you can’t. My moods swing in ways you can’t predict. But whatever it says about me now, or me then, I am going to have CONQUERED my Jabberwocky soon. Just you wait. It doesn’t matter what it’s name is. If it is one disorder or three. It’s going down.

And then I will stand in the street; in the rain, in bare feet and scream at the top of my lungs: 

“I made it!!”

And I don’t care who hears me. 

 

Because I’m getting out alive.