Tag: friendship

Why I Might Need to Say Goodbye

Through being in hospital I have come into contact with around a hundred other young people. Possibly more. Some were just brief acquaintances- admitted for a day or so and some I built friendships with.  But there are a lot of people who I won’t stay in contact with post-discharge. I have to let go.

In particular I am talking about people who I follow online who share their struggle with the world. Like me they share experiences but most do it through social networks. Minute by minute highs and terrifying lows. Rushed instagrams about pills and razors. I have called the police several times for several people who said they were trying to end their lives online. Every time I stayed up all night until the police got back to me and said that they were fine. My OCD goes overboard with the worry and it is frustrating to be so useless in a situation. I know these posts are sometimes cries for help or attention but if something happened I couldn’t live with myself. What if they are doing something bad but no one else hears the cry? 

I’m not going to lie- this action is completely selfish. I can’t cope with what I’m seeing. I know that some people feel great benefit from lsharing during their deepest darkest moments but I personally don’t. This blog is written in hindsight. I would never post anything that would make people concerned to the point that they would phone the police. Truthfully this is because in those times I don’t want anyone to save me so posting would be an unnecessary risk. It has never occurred to me to publish that I am in the process of, or planning to, hurt myself. I talk about the times I have been- but I am always standing in a better place when I do. Sharing my story and my experience is my attempt at awareness raising so I try hard to keep my blog rational, honest and informative. 

When I go on social media I don’t want to be reminded of my time in hospital. Hypocritical as it sounds from a mental health blogger, I don’t want to look at it. I’ve had traumatic experiences involving other patients in hospital and though people didn’t mean to hurt me the memories spark from the smallest of posts. I need to process my experiences for myself and having other people rip off the metaphoric plaster and making me remember is hard. Plus when you struggle with thoughts about weight and food the last thing you need is a selfie by someone who hasn’t eaten for a week or a picture of a salad they’ve nibbled when you just fought the demons and ate a burger. I know that behind the usernames they are struggling, even if they do not realise it. However, for people trying to recover, following those accounts is the equivalent of swigging G&T at the back of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

I want to make clear that I do genuinely care about everyone who I have met during this process. I really do. I wish them nothing but positive things. But I’m not able to actually help any of them, and by trying to I am hurting myself. I write letters to people I want to stay in contact with because the fact that they take a while to produce and arrive means they are less spontaneous. Where as with a few taps of a finger you can share your perils online. I might follow people on some platforms (the ones they share with family and real life friends) but not the ones they use to network with other warriors or vent. I feel safer like this because there are other followers who would be much more of a help than I if a crisis came about. I don’t even know the addresses of the people I was in hospital with and if something happens I can only offer the police a mobile number at best.

I won’t forget those I’ve met and I’m so angry that these illnesses have intruded into such vibrant young lives. I wish I could help more. If I do step away from you online; I hope you can understand that I wish nothing but the absolute best for you, but this is a step I have to take for my own recovery and I hope one day you will take it too.

  

What to Do When a Mind is Struggling

It’s mental health awareness week! Wahoo! To celebrate, for the first time ever, I opened up my blog to my Facebook friends. I asked what they wanted to see more of- and I got a brilliant response! The thing I want to tackle first is how exactly people can help someone with a mental illness. It was in demand and it is so great that people want to help.

First, three important words:

“I believe you.”

Never underestimate this statement. It is subtle yet effective in the way that it works. You see, a lot of people with mental illness feel like they are misunderstood or not believed. Just these words can make all the difference.

You can’t fix it

If you ask a mentally ill person what’s wrong you may get a variety of answers. Some of the problem might be abstract- dark feelings or hallucinations. If this is the case listen. You can’t get rid of these things but you can get rid of the loneliness that person has in the situation. Good things to say are: “That must be really hard”, “You do so well to fight all this.”, “I can see how hard it must be.” And “It will pass soon and I’m here until it does”. Notice there are no questions? Questions can make the person feel interrogated or judged. Listening is your best bet.

If there is a physical problem that is ongoing, making the person distressed, you may be tempted to leap on it. Just because it isn’t as abstract as the above it doesn’t mean you can solve it. If the issue has got the person to the point of complete distress then it is not something easily solved. Mentally ill- not stupid. For some of us logic goes out the window when in crisis, to you the issue may seem to have been completely blown out of proportion but be patient! I’d encourage you to think of what kind of situation would make you feel that distressed, and act how you would want to be treated. It might be that a mug has broken, but the distress may seem equivalent to how you’d feel if you had a near miss on a motorway. As a last thought on this- problem solving at its most effective usually takes place when all parties involved are dry-eyed and rational.

Distraction

Use with caution. Never give the impression that you want the person to stop talking to you or that you have heard enough. Hear them out and then, when things start to slow and calm a bit suggest doing something. “Shall we put a film on for a bit?”, “Is there anything that might make you feel a bit better now?”, “what should we do now?”. Preferably stay with them, do something else and try to promote different topics. If the problem does raise its ugly head, talk about it and then move on. Don’t make the person feel that the problem is being belittled.

Breathing

If the person is out of breath or has irregular breathing then try to encourage a calming breath. Use your voice to calm and instruct in and out breath to a slow count of three. Do it yourself. You can quietly do this without saying anything, just by beginning the exercise yourself and making the breaths audible.

Reassurance

Reassurance is always good. You might be asked for reassurance or you might feel like it is needed. If you are being asked for reassurance- don’t even think before giving it. Say what you have to to get the person to calm down but If the person needs reassurance a lot, and not just in crisis, think more carefully. Don’t use blanket reassurance. I’m going to use an example.

Emergency reassurance:

*person showing distress, irregular breathing etc*: “I won’t be sick will I?!”
Friend: “No, don’t worry you won’t be sick. You’re fine.”

This is the blanket method. It helps when the person is panicking about something very unlikely and the fear or panic is intense not ongoing. If by some chance the person’s fear actualises don’t worry about covering your back. When your friend has calmed down they will realise that you were trying to help and that if anything you were both very unlucky that on this occasion the fear actually happened!

Using this example, if someone is in need of regular reassurance because they have a phobia or perhaps OCD a different tactic is needed. You can’t assure someone they will never, ever, be ill because both you and they will know that that just isn’t true. It can also not be productive to treatment to rely completely on other people’s reassurance.

An Example: “Will this make me sick?”
Answer: “Well you have felt this way before and you are usually fine once you’ve calmed down. Even if you are sick- it’s fine. It happens.”

See how you are trying to make the scary a little less so? This also can become an internal monologue of reassurance.

Mood lifts

If someone is suffering from low mood or depression remember that it isn’t always a case of pulling yourself together and getting on with it. Anything you say to this affect won’t be taken very well by the person at all. This is by far the topic I find most difficult to write on because there is no clear solution. All I can say is try and think of it as like having flu. It’s one of those things, but you can help it get a little better by doing basics. Bathing, fresh air, healthy food and water. Keep in mind that all these things are probably not very appetising to your friend right now so coaxing and persuading might be necessary. Go back to the distraction section of this post and get something light going.

I hope this helps. This is all written from my personal experience so I can’t promise it will work for everyone but if nothing else it’s a start. Let me know if you would like to request any other topics or anything to be covered in more detail. Anyway- happy mental health awareness week!