When she picked up my call two days later I was covered in glue from trying to stick the jagged shards of myself back into an almost human-like form. I’d been rebuffed by people I trusted, dramatically shortened said list of trusted people and shattered into a thousand pieces.
A meeting had taken place which I had not been invited to. It was about my care, the roles of the professionals around me (which I am forever being told I misinterpret) and setting goals for my recovery. Why couldn’t I be involved in this? What did they not want me to hear? They tell me to be responsible for my recovery but give no opportunities for me to do so. The summary I got from my co-ordinator involved the words ‘responsibility’ and ‘independence’ many times. According to CAMHS I had these skills in abundance- have they vanished?! Did I never have them?! This lack of communication and influx of mixed messages is what they laughingly refer to as person centred care. Let’s summarise:
So far the community mental health team have taught me:
- I should phone them more often.
- But if I do I’m being dependent.
- If I try not to be dependent I’m not being proactive.
- If people do the wrong thing and hurt me I should have ‘taken responsibility’.
- If I do ‘take responsibility’ then I should be more cooperative and trust.
- If I give them trust they will break it.
- If I didn’t reply to emails I’d be non-compliant.
- If I send practical emails I’m breaching boundaries and being inappropriate.
- Despite being a full time resident in my body I am not a professional.
- Meetings are for professionals.
- Professionals will make decisions in meetings I don’t know about.
- I am not being proactive because I’m not making decisions I don’t know I have to make
Basically the only message I am getting loud and clear is that I am a dung beetle to the service. However this analogy does suggest something about the service itself…
I’m so confused, I don’t know what to do because every move I make is wrong.
CMHT- what do you want from me??
(They close for two weeks over Christmas… Ho Ho.. Huh?)