Tag: BPD

I AM BORDERLINE: A Short Film

Potential Trigger Warning:

 

“You are a person who feels the highest of highs and the lowest of lows”

This short film is absolutely beautiful. It represents perfectly experience of living with Borderline Personality Disorder.

As a condition it is talked about so little and is heavily stigmatized. This film stresses the complete turmoil the condition puts a person into rather than focusing on how it looks from the outside. I particularly like the positives that are mentioned: How ‘Borderlines’ are often resilient despite having endless experiences of pain and hurt. To live with this condition you become a survivor.

“You are resilient and you try again. You’ve suffered so deeply, so much of the time. You push on; searching for love, hope and compassion.”

Do What You Have To, Get Out That Door

At the bottom of the washing machine is a very unappetising pulp stuck onto the ankle of my jeans. It is one of those days where bailing on checking the pockets of my washing pile has come back to bite me. These sluggish remains of yellow paper have been hiding in the back pockets of my jeans. They are instructions for my brain.

It may sound bizarre but for the last few months when going out I have made myself a crib sheet to follow on how to function, like the kind you would need if you were using a very temperamental second hand computer. On some sheets are just the basics- “You need to get the number 6 bus before 5pm” or “return library books so they don’t fine you”. On others the detail is much more and without that scrap of paper I wouldn’t be able to get out of the door.

Take this weekend for example- Gay Pride. A familiar bus ride and then a one hour train journey to a familiar city. A whole day out, which I had been mentally planning for a fortnight. My yellow piece of paper is A4 and double sided. It gives a complete itinerary for the day with planned times to make sure I eat something to avoid blood sugar crashes. It even suggests what to eat and where from, avoiding foods which will trigger OCD thoughts and cause unnecessary stress on an already daunting day. There are multiple choice, step by step instructions of all the things I usually do without batting an eyelid; worst case scenarios, distraction ideas and helpful thoughts to tell myself. It all sounds odd. I know.

But actually this is a coping strategy that I have learnt and it works. It means I can get out and about and do things I want to do. Granted with limited spontaneity. It isn’t something that I have been told to do by any therapist, it’s just what I taught myself. There have been, and are, times where I need much more than my plans. Backpacks with enough water to end a hosepipe ban and enough hand sanitiser to supply a particularly hygiene conscious surgeon operating in a swamp. Sometimes just to go down to the shops I take half my sensory box and something to cuddle. I won’t use even a quarter of these things but it’s knowing I have them which allows me to go out.

My point here is do what you have to do. Survival, backpacking mode. At the end of the day nobody knows or cares what you have in your bag. No one knows how much you have planned the day or how many things you had to do things to make it happen. Do what you have to do to get out the door and have a good time. I had a pretty awesome time at pride, my plans worked fine and I didn’t use any of the listed distractions for train journeys or the second battery pack for my phone.

I repeat I am not a therapist, or qualified with anything other than experience. I just want to share what I have found to help my neuroboiler to keep ticking on. Maybe it will help someone. 

 

Bollocks to BPD

Diagnosis ain’t easy.

I first heard of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) at Heron. The psychiatrist there seemed to be trying to fill a ward quota of 25% of female patients being diagnosed with BPD. I wasn’t in that percent.

The next time I heard it I was sitting in my CPA meeting for professionals. My new psychiatrist reeled off my conditions and then the letters- B.P.D. After the meeting was over and myself and my key nurse were on our victory lap around the village I asked if she’d heard it too. She wasn’t sure.

I asked for confirmation when I saw the doctor next. He quickly drew a grid with numbers and the disorders I have come to know. Then there it was- BPD. He said something about how this is what he suspects my problem lies within- my Jabberwocky to fight.

“Personality disorders have a stigma to them.” He added. “But don’t worry, it’s not the one serial killers have.”

Looking it up on the Internet isn’t pleasant. People with BPD were clingy and unstable. All the stories I could find were negative. ‘WHERE ARE THE REAL PEOPLE?!’ I found myself mentally screaming. And I’m ashamed to say I didn’t want to make myself one of the few who spoke up. The stigma seemed huge. But if no one speaks up, who else will be scared into silence by this monster? I tentatively took my first move with my poem borderline and now this.

To make matters worse in my quest for information, symptoms listed on every website I searched seemed increasingly vague or scary. Out of desperation I hit the books and surfaced with “Sometimes I Act Crazy“. Which gave me the broadest picture of the disorder and those living with it. I would highly recommend it for anyone else scared away by the Internet.

I think the description of BPD on rethink is the best:

  • “Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can mean that you are prone to strong emotions, mood swings and feelings you can’t cope with easily and may feel distressed a lot of the time.
  • Around 1 in 100 people have BPD.
  • There may be different reasons why someone develops BPD.
  • There are a number of different approaches to treating BPD, most of which include different types of one-to-one and group talking therapies.
  • Complications can arise if you have BPD, including problems with substance misuse and self-harm.”

It’s still vague; but every warrior is different. The thing with mental illness diagnosis is that it says more about your past than your future. My brain developed a little different. I see and hear things you can’t. My moods swing in ways you can’t predict. But whatever it says about me now, or me then, I am going to have CONQUERED my Jabberwocky soon. Just you wait. It doesn’t matter what it’s name is. If it is one disorder or three. It’s going down.

And then I will stand in the street; in the rain, in bare feet and scream at the top of my lungs: 

“I made it!!”

And I don’t care who hears me. 

 

Because I’m getting out alive.  

Borderline

He looked into my eyes and saw the misconnections behind them.
I know in fifteen minutes he will make his chair do an audible creek;
My queue to leave.

I knew I wouldn’t pass this MOT
Just like at eleven I didn’t pass my cycling proficiency
Because I couldn’t see traffic on my left side and the instructor said “pretend”.
He asks me about what I see and I tell him,
I tell him with a knot in my throat about people
How my mind rotates in oxymoron around my spine and he
He
He tells me I’m crazy.
But that, it’s okay, it’s textbook.

It’s a bad sign when your psychiatrist says
“Don’t worry it’s not the one serial killers have”
It’s a bad sign when your head is hitting the wall again and again
And the fuckers put you in a CT scan to check there is still a brain there.
Of course there is.
That’s the problem.

The diagnosis is accept and live with it.
After all that’s the best prognosis anyone could hope for.
I’m living on the edge.
Borderline.

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