When she picked up my call two days later I was covered in glue from trying to stick the jagged shards of myself back into an almost human-like form. I’d been rebuffed by people I trusted, dramatically shortened said list of trusted people and shattered into a thousand pieces.
A meeting had taken place which I had not been invited to. It was about my care, the roles of the professionals around me (which I am forever being told I misinterpret) and setting goals for my recovery. Why couldn’t I be involved in this? What did they not want me to hear? They tell me to be responsible for my recovery but give no opportunities for me to do so. The summary I got from my co-ordinator involved the words ‘responsibility’ and ‘independence’ many times. CAMHS had always told me I had these skills in abundance- have they vanished?! Did I never have them?! This lack of communication and influx of mixed messages is what they laughingly refer to as person centred care. Let’s summarise:
So far the community mental health team have taught me:
- I should phone them more often in crisis.
- But if I do I’m being dependent or ‘needy’.
- If I try not to be dependent and don’t ring them, I’m not being proactive.
- If people hurt me I should ‘take responsibility’.
- If I do ‘take responsibility’ then I should be more cooperative and trust said person.
- If I don’t reply to their emails I’m being non-compliant.
- If I send them a practical query in office hours I’m breaching boundaries and being inappropriate.
- Meetings are for professionals.
- Professionals will make decisions for me in meetings that I don’t know about.
- If I’m not acting on the decisions they made, which they still haven’t told me about, I am not being proactive in my care.
Basically the only message I am getting loud and clear is that I am seen as a dung beetle to the service.
I’m so confused, I don’t know what to do because every move I make is wrong.
CMHT- what do you want from me??