But I promise that it is okay for you to feel like this. You don’t have to pull yourself together.
I understand that everything is too fast and you feel too slow. The world hurts you every time you leave your bed. You feel pain as you bounce between every anxiety-made impossibility.
I want to tell you something: it will get better. Even though it doesn’t feel like it now and it sounds cliché: this feeling will pass. You couldn’t feel any worse at the moment so the only way is up. I can’t tell you when or how your mood will shift, but it will. Remember that you have a 100% success rate of surviving every tough day life throws at you. You are a fighter.
Look after yourself. The more you care for your mind and body the more likely they are to co-operate with you. It is like having a pulled muscle. Maybe you overdid it. There are ways to make the pain lessen and one day you will (at the very least) feel just a little bit better than you do now. Even if you think you will never heal completely because the depression is too deep, try to master the baby steps. Learn to doggy paddle to stop you sinking. I’m not going to tell you to do anything radical, or that there is a ‘cure’. I won’t instruct you to go vegan or try oils or ‘find yourself’ in a desert. I’m just going to tell you to fuel your body with good quality food, fluids and thoughts.
Make yourself feel nice. Get in the bath and wash your hair, brush your teeth and all the other things that you do before you go out somewhere nice. Don’t worry- you don’t have to actually go out. Just make yourself feel great in a clean pair of PJs with freshly-shampooed hair. Practice painting your nails or use a really nice moisturiser. Make your body feel special.
Breathe. Dearest person please breathe. Every now and again count your breath, breathe longer out than you breathe in and pause for a second in between. Get music in your ears, happy and sad. Scribble in a notebook. Re-watch anything you fancy. Do the things you often wish you had time to do. Invest time in yourself.
Find a cuddle. Even if it is just with a blanket or a teddy. A pet or a person, get a hug. You feel numb right now but other people can still feel you. You are still with the rest of the world, no matter how much it feels like you are not.
You are never alone. So many from all over the world, past and present, have been where you are right now. Find them. Get on social media, read books and watch documentaries. People are out there. The internet is a fantastic resource and people going through similar experiences can provide amazing support. There are people in the same dark place as you and people who have escaped it, using techniques that you might not know yet. Knowledge is power, so learn from them. Don’t cut yourself out of the real world though, keep talking to your friends and family even if it feels like you have nothing to say. Tell someone you trust how you feel and you will find even the most unlikely people have suffered with mental ill-health too.
I might not see your face or know your name but I care about you. I don’t know if you are like me: with the knowledge that you will to and fro between this place and a better one for the foreseeable, or if this is the first time that you have ever felt this way. Either way it is frightening. I can validate here and now that what you are feeling is really tough to deal with. I don’t know the details of your situation but I know you feel broken and that really hurts. You have survived every day so far, even when you thought you couldn’t. I know that you can do it again today.