Yesterday I had the joy of going to OCD-UK’s national conference. I found out about it completely by chance during OCD week last month. The conference was in my nearest city, York and I didn’t know what to expect. Maybe a lot of anxious-looking people talking about what makes them anxious. A bit like the poem ‘anxiety group‘ by Catalina Ferro. But It wasn’t like that at all. The people looked and acted normal and were, by all accounts, lovely. During my time at both my CAMHS units I was always the one who had OCD- or OCD had me. It was my primary diagnosis and the one that had dropped me into the white-walled rabbit warren. None of the other patients really understood my condition as nearly all of them were there for depression. It was lonely.
So for the first time I was surrounded by people just like me. As the fantastic Ashley Fulwood, CEO of OCD-UK, told me: “Today you are normal!”. The speakers were fantastic and I was particularly moved by Ian Pulestone-Davies’ honest and humorous account of being an OCD warrior and actor. Ian plays Owen from Coronation Street, so I made sure I got a picture! He was also pretty keen to help out with my various creative adventures so watch this space!
I attended the teen workshop where there were a small gathering of young sufferers and their parents. We mostly played ‘who has ever’ which could best be described as a drinking game involving swapping seats rather than slugging down ethanol. “Who has ever… Had a hand washing compulsion?”, “Who has ever been hospitalised?”: this simple exercise made me see I wasn’t alone. As a group we also also created these fab images of our ‘OCD bullies’. I paticularly liked the one that has been viciously scrunched up! The talks and workshops were all recovery based. At times I felt a little sad because I feel that my recovery from OCD is hindered a lot by EUPD. Where generally exposures are the way forward for OCD recovery, EUPD means that an exposure can quickly put me in a very dangerous place mentally. It’s why I’m currently not receiving any CBT or ERT from my community mental health team as they try to stabilise me. I wish that my conditions didn’t make a horrific montage of confusion in my head.
It was great to be around people who properly ‘get’ OCD. It was fantastic to air some of the pent-up frustration from every chat that someone says they are “so OCD” for checking their hair straighteners are turned off. Anxiety keeps us alive- it makes sure we check the straighteners so we don’t die in house fires. That’s what anxiety is supposed to do. OCD is when you have to do the same thing again and again to momentarily lift the all encompassing fear. Recovery is possible- but it’s hard. There is no cure. You just have to fight for your life. Days like today make me think I can do this. Watching Ashley lick his shoe made me desperate to get there. I’m determined.