By the time you read this I shall be doing one of two things: deep breathing and sitting on the (very uncomfortable) stairs by the exam hall, or sitting in a corner curled in a ball sobbing into a box of kleenex. I am going to aim for the prior. Today is my AS sociology exam, one I am not overly looking forward to, but today is also *technically* the day of my AS French exam. However, being the habitually awkward soul that I am, I cannot sit two exams in one day for medical reasons. Which means French has to wait until Friday and I have to go into solitary confinement with only college support staff for company. This isn’t too bad, but I will also have no internet or phone access. My heart just sunk a little writing that statement. It just sunk slightly more with the shame of writing that one.
So here it is, how to leave the internet in seven simple stages…
- Think of thoughtful last words to leave on twitter.
- Make clear to followers that these are only your last words for the next couple of hours, and thank them for the Samaritans helpline number which they sent you.
- Be sure to be up to date on all your friends’ pointless statements about life, and statements about their friends’ pointless statements about life, before you go. Oh and the selfies of course.
- Work out whether you are going to use these technology deprived hours for academic enrichment or for self pity. Note- the latter may be difficult without Twitter.
- Realise that most of the technology you own has internet capability and you therefore have no technical capability to do anything but stare mindlessly into space.
- Choose a (physical) book featuring your favourite hero/heroine and delve into their lives to escape your own miserable (internetless) existence.
- Make a cup of tea, then another and then another.
Congratulations- you have officially left the internet.
Here is your reintegration plan for your return:
- Approach internet connected device with great caution, having a cup of tea in hand is recommendable.
- Tentatively press the ‘on’ button.
- Be prepared for the fact that everything may well be very different from how you left it. People may have broken up, fallen out, and if you are particularly unlucky Facebook has changed its layout again.
- Trawl back to the point of your departure on all social networks.
- Post obligatory statements saying how pleased you are to be back and connected with ‘humanity’.
I’m not quite this bad… but wish me luck all the same!
Today’s Thursday Cuppa comes from a Miss Piggy mug and a pile of revision.
P.S – I found some brilliant sexual health posters in the office!